Excuses for cheating

But Then Again
By MARY SCHNEIDER

There may be 17 reasons for indulging in an affair but they don’t count in a marriage.

A GOOD friend who has been having an affair with a married man for six years called me in despair the other day.

“I think the @#$%^*& is cheating on me,” she said.

I tried to think of a response more sympathetic than the one on the tip of my tongue: “Like, duh! What do you expect?”

But as it turned out, I wasn’t given a chance to respond immediately.

“How could he do this to me?” she continued. “I thought we had a good relationship.”

“How can an affair be considered a good relationship?” I wanted to say, but she’d already second-guessed my response.

“We’ve been together for six years now. Doesn’t that count for anything? This isn’t just a fling,” she said, in an attempt to rationalise her behaviour all these years.

“What makes you think he’s cheating on you?” I said.

“I saw an e-mail he wrote to another woman.”

“How did you manage to see that?”

“I know the password to his e-mail account.”

I don’t know about you, but accessing someone’s e-mail account without their consent is a sure sign that you don’t trust that person.

“Did you confront him about it?”

“Yes. But he said I misinterpreted his playfulness.”

Then my friend asked me the one question I never want to hear when someone is having relationship problems.

“What do you think I should do?”

“Dump the #$@*%!” I wanted to say, but didn’t. Experience has taught me that couples who split up can sometimes get back together. And all the unflattering things that I might have said about the no-good, cheating, louse could come back to haunt me.

Then, just as I was telling my friend that she deserved better than having to sneak around, she gave out an almighty shriek.

“Oh, My God, he’s at my front door,” she said, sounding suddenly all excited. “I must look a real mess. Sorry, gotta run.”

Although I was brought up during a time when “good” people just didn’t have affairs, I try not to judge my friend. But I do wonder why an intelligent, vivacious woman would take this route.

Of course, as most people might be quick to point out, today’s moral and ethical landscape is vastly different from that of my childhood – when women who had affairs were often marginalised from mainstream society. But I didn’t realise how much things have really changed, until I discovered a book called When Good People Have Affairs by Mira Kirshenbaum.

Kirshenbaum writes pragmatically about the 17 reasons that people have for cheating on their spouse, whether it be a one-night stand or a long-term fling. Reasons that are not always selfish or immoral – at least, that’s her argument.

So, just to satisfy your curiosity, here are the 17 valid reasons for cheating:

> Break out into selfhood (so you can be and express yourself – painting might also help).

> Accidental (crashing into a tree is usually accidental, or breaking a glass, but never sex. Unless, of course, you get so drunk that you can’t tell the difference between your partner and your next-door neighbour).

> Sexual panic (to prove that you are still sexually capable – as if you can’t prove that with your partner).

> Let’s kill this relationship (and see if it comes back to life).

> Mid-marriage crisis (will add sparkle to a stale or problematic marriage).

> Trading up (when you’ve “moved on” but your spouse hasn’t – note: spouses should not be upgraded like cars or houses).

> Heating up your marriage (the fear of being found out will add more spice to your marriage).

< I just needed to indulge myself (shades of Bill Clinton).

> Ejector seat (either your spouse will kick you out or your lover will give you the courage to quit).

> See if (see if what you’ve been missing in your marriage can be found elsewhere).

> Distraction (will make you forget life’s difficulties – a game of Monopoly or a glass of wine might also do the trick).

> Surrogate therapy (will help you overcome feelings of inadequacy, frustration, etc – a shrink might also help).

> Do I still have it? (sounds like sexual panic).

> Having an experience I missed out on (there’s always bungee jumping, or origami, or trekking in Nepal to consider).

> Revenge (creepy).

> Midlife crisis (sounds like sexual panic again).

> Unmet needs (what happened to unmet commitments?).

My advice to anyone contemplating an affair?

Either you’re married or you’re not. There’s nothing in between.