Sunday Readers

Sunday January 25, 2009

No sex, just talk

I am 50 years old and married with children. I used to make regular phone calls and sms a few times in a month to my ex-secretary. She is 29 years old, still single and below average looking. She worked with me for four plus years. It’s just that she respects me a lot and both of us could talk to each other.

I tried to keep it private but my wife “caught” me about two years ago. During my ex-secretary’s birthday I called and sms her to offer her dinner. I was just jokingand didn’t really intend to date her out. I deleted the “sent message” to her in my handphone but somehow my wife managed to retreive it.

My wife accused me of having an affair there was no such thing. I only called my ex-secretary as and when she struck my mind especially when I was out of my house. All my calls and sms to her were insignificant as there were no feelings involved.

Sometimes it was just to return her call or sms. Or sometimes, I just called her when I was playing golf with friends. My wife got very angry, saying that I was not interested in the game even though there were so many golf balls around.

Once while waiting for my wife in my car during an outing, I just called my ex-secretary as there was nothing else to do. My wife was furious that I had reached a stage where I did not even respect her feelings and her presence . My wife asked what was there to talk about with her so much whereas I seldom talked to my wife at home.

To be frank, I do not have any feelings for my ex-secretary, just that the opportunity is there to have a cheap thrill. All men will do that. On the day my ex-secretary stops responding, I will also stop.

During that period, I always liked to start quarrels with my wife. I even laughed at her that her own sister and her brother’s wife did not like her, just to “provoke” her to become a better person.

My wife cannot forgive me for my remarks as she feels a husband should love and respect his wife. But not me, as I agree with others by laughing at her flawed character.

I stopped calling my ex-secretary on the day my wife caught me two years ago. My wife was suffering from depression and she liked to quarrel with.

Now, both of us are suffering. My wife has told me that I do not need to rekindle my love for her and our marriage is no longer important.

It’s all a misunderstanding of my behaviour. There was no affair, only phone contacts with no sex involved. I had been very mindful to remain faithful to my wife.

I tried to convince my wife that my love for her is still very strong and nothing in this world can tear us apart. I explained to her that I merely treated my ex-secretary as a friend and daughter But my wife still feels that what I had done behind her back for four years is too long a period to be forgiven. She told me even death could not mend her broken heart.

Of course I would like to maintain my family but my wife is not interested anymore as she feels that I am the one who killed our marriage

Now, I have already stopped all quarrels with her and am treating her better but I have still failed to win back her heart. Life with her is not so interesting and I always get scolded regularly. How can I mend my marriage?

Just a Misunderstanding

No sex, no affair, no betrayal. It seems simple viewed from your perspective. So why keep the phone calls, sms and birthday greetings a secret? Secrecy and deceit spells guilt. If you claim that it was never intentional, then how do you explain calls from golf courses, in the car, whenever and wherever she strikes your thoughts? This seems too often for a platonic, harmless relationship.

An emotional affair is not easy to define. If you choose to believe that you have never felt more than friendship and fatherly concern, then it’s easier to blame the wife for being paranoid and neurotic.

But if you can be honest, ask yourself if you have never harboured lustful thoughts of this woman. If she had accepted your invitation for dinner on her birthday, would you have told her it was all a joke? Had she invited you to bed, would you have walked away? Truly, has she only been a friend and daughter in your heart and mind?

However, it must have been flattering to know that someone cares about you, respects you, remembers your birthdays and enjoys chatting with you. Call it a cheap thrill but it’s a cruel game playing two women to get your high. And surely not all men are like you.

Stooping to belittling your wife during this period, picking quarrels, neglecting her and making her life miserable puts you high on the mean and nasty chart. So how can you still feel so smug and proud of yourself?

Do not make light of your wife’s feelings and reaction. She has gone through depression, heartache and much pain because of your bad boy behaviour.

If you want to mend the marriage, prove your love, respect her as your wife and mother of your children. She is the woman who has married you, been through much with you. She deserves better than your devious, selfish manipulation of her confidence and esteem.